wow what a week...

Ok, this has been an insanely busy, fun, exciting, happy, FAN-fuckin-TASTIC week! Lots of highs, and only 1 low.
My babies got here on Friday (3/23) and we had so much fun. I loved having them here. Got to know Laci a bit better finally. Got to bask in the loving glow of my Sammymantha and Micah. I've missed them SO much. It was fun getting to smack Sam's ass everyday again,lol. I've missed them all and their lil goofy ass ways. I missed being able to have my private heart to hearts with Sam and Micah when we have our moments alone. I miss being totally and ridiculously carefree and silly-stupid-goofy with them. I've missed hugging them. I missed having Micah make me laugh til my stomch hurts. I've missed blasting the stereo inthe car and singing "Unfaithful" with Samantha. I can't wait to see them again, maybe even go back to Tacoma and visit and get me a damn Frisko Burger, haha.
We went all over the damn place, SD, Mission Beach, Knott's, Hollywierd, drove through Beverly Hills with Micah acting like an insanly misguided tour guide.
SO MUCH FUN!!
The only low point this week was having to take them back to the airport on Saturday (3/31). Yes, I cried like a bitch. Had to pull into a gas station and cry it out for about 10 mins before I could get on the freeway to go home. These guys are like my adopted family. Samantha and Micah are like my adoptive children and little bro and sis wrapped in one. And now I have Laci too! I am fiercely in love with them and will do anything I can to help, support and protect them and theirs.
Oh man, met up with my uber sexy friend Craig in Hollywierd. Went to a few very seedy but fun sex shops. Well, fun for me and Craig,lol. Had fun with that. Walked around the "walk of Fame" looking in stores and stuff. Tell me, why the fuck do the Rugrats have a star? Seriously, it's a freakin cartoon! Anywho, was awesome to hang out with my friend Craig, he's as crazy, goofy and outgoing as I knew he would be,lol. Man, if he wasn't in a commited relationship I'd have done bad things to him years ago, and now still would,lol. But he's a great friend and has been for years. He said "you're even more beautiful in person" awww yeah i turned red,lol, not everyday a gorgeous man tells me I'm beautiful ya know! I'll take the ego boosts any way I can. Think he needs his head examined though. But he made a great tour guide for us. I look forward to getting to hang out with him again.
This week I also kinda put in for a major promotion at work. I should find out this coming week if I will get it or not. Think happy thoughts for me, knock on wood, cross your fingers, whatever. I seriously want and need this job!If I get it, I'll not only be making more than double of what I make right now, or ever have for that matter, but I'll also be able to start payin off my bills and debts ON MY OWN. So if it happens, I will be stayin in the OC area indefineitly, just probably not where I'm at right now it's insanely too expensive. Found a few places that are 20-30 mins away that are like half priced of here, by the beach and I'd be able to live ALONE still. No offense peeps, but damn I like being able to walk around nekkid if I want to! LOL
wow... what else happened this week? I can't remember it all. Still talkin to Semper Fi. He is still awesome, and we can still talk for hours about everything and nothing. He's a really kick ass guy, handsome, smart, nice, funny and I don't have to explain my sense of humor to him, what more could I need? Oh yeah, that he be back in CA, but thats only a few months away. And he thinks I'm sexy, he needs his head examined too, haha, jk. But yeah we'll see what happens with that one in the weeks/months to come. If anything I have another awesome friend.
I think thats everything. doesn't look like so much when I type it out but it's been fun and crazy this week and I wouldn't want it any other way!!
Sam, Micah and Laci!! I miss you guys SO much already!! I hated leaving you guys. I hated that you guys had to leave. I wish that you were still here! But I know it's not for forever, just a temporary leave of absence. I love you guys all SO SO much! You guys mean more to me than you'll ever know!!
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
Ok, you may continue with your normal routines now......

As you get older, you learn a lot of stuff. Unfortunately for me, I've learned that I'm a moron at times, but I've gotten stronger and smarter.. I am 30 years old, never been married (which with my track record with guys is a DAMN good thing!) don't have any children, which again considering the useless wad of flesh my ex's are is a good thing. I've learned how easily someone can take an outgoing, independent, charismatic girl, and turn her into a weak, spineless, self esteem lacking, pile of goop. I've learned that someone who's biggest ambition is life is to get high and F**k other women, is really bad in bed, and has no self esteem himself and will amount to nothing. I've learned that I love for the wrong reasons. Correction, I loved for the wrong reasons, but i wont make those mistakes again. I've learned a cheating jackass who doesn't care about anyone but himself, never will change, period. Not that all men that cheat always will, there are a few that have/can change. Someone who can tell you 4 different stories about the same scenario, will never tell you the truth. Someone who would steal from his own mother, then blame her for how his is, is the lowest form of life and will not think twice about stealing things from the woman he supposedly loves. I've learned that in order to be happy with someone else, I first have to be happy with myself. I've learned that even though I a struggling with my self esteem and my ability to believe in myself, that I am still worth a damn. I learned that, yeah I am beautiful, despite my flaws (Re: Fat, haha) I have learned that I have a small amount of friends who truly care about me, and that love me regardless of the stupid things I've done, who will forgive me my mistakes and retarded spells and love me for who i am. For the knowledge that those few are there, I am eternally grateful and I love them dearly and I apologize for being so stupid, and swear on myself that I will do whatever I can to improve my life, even on days like today when I feel so damn down on myself) So, to Di, Ruben, Q, Craig, Derek, Charlie,Samantha, Micah, Ashlee, Regie, BIG DADDY-O Dave, and a few others, thank you for supporting me loving me and always being there for me in your own ways and most importantly for never giving up on me, even when i had given up on myself and disappeared for a while. I love you guys with all my heart, really and truly.
Let's see what else have i learned... that its hard to go from having so much that you worked your ass off for your whole life taken away in spurts over a year and a half, losing money, ruining your almost perfect credit, having your car taken, your happiness destroyed, those are all things that take a long time to get back. I know because i am just starting that journey again. I gave up everything i had for someone who only stabbed me in the back, and everyone else he supposedly cared about. But, I KNOW that I deserve better, one day will find better, and am better than that. I have worth, I have ambition, I have determination, I have a killer support system and I have enough of my mothers stubborn streak in me to make it all work for me in the end. I've been depressed off and on, I've had days where I hadn't a care in the world. Today was one of the bad days. But the more I out out there the better I feel....I'm feeling better already... Now I just need a hug and I'd be right as rain..

Made these for My Sister, Diana, last night too... WHY WON'T THE WORDS STAY RED!??!! Ugh that mad me so angry... but anyway... She likes em that's all that matters to me....

more creativity.....

Last night I got to messing around again.... This is what I came up with. Mighty impressed with my own creativity. My self challenging, motivational posters..... Enjoy

feeling creative and contemplative

OK, so today I'm sitting here at home and this little quotation thing that I believe Diana sent me has been stuck in my mind. It kept circling my brain as I was cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes (I seem to do my best thinking when I'm cleaning, get it from my Ma I think) anyway, I keep thinking in my mind about the mistakes I've made, the things I've regretted putting off, things I wish I HAD done. And I realized, I've made stupid decisions, but I don't regret many of them, well a few I do, but I've had some amazingly positive things come out of some horrible situations, so I can't regret all the things I've done, or the choices I've made. For instance, If I hadn't gone to WA with the useless wonder, I would never have met Samantha and Micah, I would never have seen this gorgeous sunset. That picture was taken in Pt. Defiance WA, on one of my last days there, made me cry. At the time I thought "this is the last bit of beauty I'll have in my life" I was leaving a town I fell in love with, 2 of the greatest most loving and wonderful people I had ever met, to go to MN with a man I knew didn't really love anymore,or respect at all, and that I knew truly never cared for me.

It was a bitter sweet day all in all.

Anywho, as I kept contemplating this quote, this picture kept coming into my head. So today I sat down here and messed around with my picture editor dealie, yes that's the technical term I use for it, and put this together. Just when I was getting frustrated and was about to give up, it came out how I pictured it in my mind.

I know life is short, I have broken the rules, I always love truly, I will kiss someone I care for slowly, I always laugh uncontrollably (and loudly) and I will never regret, or take for granted, the things that have made me smile in life ever again, no matter how small or bitter sweet the memory.

ok i put this picture on here cause i wanted to put a pic of me on my profile but it didnt work, because I am technology impared, but i found my anime me so that works but I'm leaving this pic on here because, well, I love this picture of me dammit. Kinda vampire-ish and man do I need a tan, haha... The anime picture I picked because that kind of reminds me of me right now. Ina somewhat dark place, alone, but yet still finding wonderful and beautiful things all around me... anywho enjoy...

things..

Ok....
So this is the sticky part.... Ruben... He tells me that I never gave him a chance.... And goodness knows I've wanted to give hima chance since I first talked to him.... Then he acts distant and odd... then a few days ago he says out of the blue in a conversation that i "should've come to tx, we could've figured out how to get you to cali later if you wanted".. not only did my jaw drop, but I felt like i had been kicked in the side... Today he gets online and says look what i got and up pops a webcam request... we spent 3 hours online gabbin online and him being goofy on the webcam for me.. SMILING... laughing with me and at me,lol.. being goofy and funny and sweet.... Oh god i love that man... so damn much... he keeps hinting at me moving to tx,lol... i dunno what to do.... why do things have to be so damn complicated?? WHy can't he just tell me what he wants? Grrrr..... he was so cute on the webcam, he was running around the apartment showing me stuff, it was so cute... He turned the cam around to show me something on the screen and i see my messenger window on his screen, you know what he has my name listed as? it says "Lilo" which is creepy because on mine his is Stitch... He drew an angry face on the tip of his finger and would have it just under the camera lens, then pop it up real quick then drop it back down... it was too damn funny... he has such a gorgeous smile... He's not been feelin well and he looked sleepy as hell so i told him, go to bed baby we can talk later, and he said, not yet i'm having fun i just wanna stay up and talk to you a bit longer....goodness.... ok.... I just need to step back from this and breathe and think about what i really wanna do... Right? I love him, but am i really ready to make that big a move for a man again, even if the man is My Ruben? I just wanna grab him, kiss him and look him in the eye and ask him what he wants... and I can't because i'm here... and he's all the way over there.... Ugh....