A new Life

OK.... Wednesday starts the first day of the rest of my life... My "New & Improved" life. Am I nervous? Yes! Am I anxious to get started? Hell yes! Am I scared? Out of my mind scared!!

I not only start a new job tomorrow, but I will also be getting a new car. I'm excited about the new job, that I am not nervous about. The new car on the other hand, that makes me kinda nervous. What if I screw up and it gets Repo'd? This time it all falls on me. I am my own person now. I have no one to support and no one to steal and waste my money. So this time if it goes bad, it's all on me. But, I am NOT being negative. Just reminding myself that I have to stick to my priorities. I have a car payment again, I will have an insurance payment again, and if I'm lucky I'll have a cell phone here again in about a month. Most likely a prepaid so I can't really screw that up, haha. I have to figure out what my checks are gonna be like, when I'll be getting paid and all that stuff. And from there build a budget and make my ass stick to it. I know I can do it, I did it for years, that's how I had such fantastic credit before I met the useless wonder. (That's what I will refer to him as from here on out)
I am now not just Bobbi, that girl. I am someone again. I Am Bobbi Jo Gill... I am strong, I am proud, I am beautiful, I am determined, I am hard working and I am going to do this!! Screw the negative thoughts, screw the bad memories, screw the useless wonder! I AM someone. I DO have worth, more than he will ever know. I AM a wonderful, loving human being. And one day, when that right guy comes along.... man is he gonna be lucky.... If he can prove he deserves me that is..... Hahaha...

OK so, Valentine's Day... worst day in my romantic history, is now my true V-day! I mean V as in Victory.... I am gonna make these people see what I am worth as an individual, and I will move on to bigger and better things in all aspects of my life...

Watch out here i come...

what now?

So what do I do now? I feel like I'm stuck in a hole. I can see this needle tip sized speck of light at the very top but have no idea how to reach it. I don't feel like myself these days. I'm depressed, nervous, scared to death, but here I am, having to start from scratch again. I mean don't get me wrong, I am happy I left him, I'm relieved to be freed of that dragging down feeling that he caused. I'm glad i can look back and see just how many mistakes I made, and that I know I will never make them again. I have so much to do to get my life back. To be whole again. To feel like the person that I know I am. To be carefree, and completely happy, to have fun no matter what I am doing (or not doing) and i know that I deserve that again. I made stupid decisions, I made stupid mistakes, I lost so , so much that I had worked so hard to get in life. For what? A man who lied to me, cheated on me, stole from me and everyone else. A man who cared more about gettin high, playin poker, and screwin other women to see that there was a woman that loved him and was hurting. But then I discovered the lies, or rather the truth about everything he told me about himself, his life growing up. Everything but his name, birthday, parents and sisters names were lies. I felt a lot of it from the beginning. So why did I stay? Why did I continue to let him talk me into stupid, irresponsible things? I still don't understand. I thought I loved him, I thought he loved me, I thought we were meant for each other, that I made him happy. But I was wrong. My money made him happy. But once that was gone, he didn't give a damn. That was when the light shone in that HELLO!! You've made a HUGE mistake girl! Time to turn tail and run like the Devil himself is pokin your arse. So, I made the decision to leave. I knew about a month before I fiinally told him that i was going to do it. I know that I had nothing left in my heart to give him. I knew that I deserve better. I knew that even though it was gonna be a struggle, and I'd have a long hard struggle ahead of me that I would get back everything I had lost with him, because of him and for him. I've reclaimed my freedom. I am single, adjusting to being alone. I can live without sex, not like i got it much anyways. I know I doon't need a man to "complete" me. I know that I can achieve anything I want to because I'm strong, determined, hard working, smart and stubborn enough to do it. Yes, I am slightly pissed off about the year and a half I wasted, but I'm not heartbroken about it, you know? I look back and see everything differently now. I can admit to my mistakes. I see where I screwed up and I know that the only reason that stuff all happened was becasue I was stupid enough to let it happen. I have good friends behind me. I have my "PIG", my gaurdian, my strength, my power my wisdom and my spirt to help me. I have my sister, and of course, as I have had for years, my Ruben, my dearest sweet friend that has been by my side through a lot of things in my life, and these 2 people have never given up on me, ever.

So, now my only decision is how am I going to do this? What is my next step? Which way do I turn? Give me strength, give me support, give me advice. But be honest, be blunt, but also, be gentle. My heart is still bruised and bloody. This was a harder beatin on my heart than I had imagined. But i am strong, and I am going to come out ahead , no matter how long it takes me. I will be the funny, sweet , loving, sensual, happy, goofy, loud laughing, excited, smart, ambitious, strong and talented person I know that I can be.

From this moment on, no one can bring me down but me!