what now?

So what do I do now? I feel like I'm stuck in a hole. I can see this needle tip sized speck of light at the very top but have no idea how to reach it. I don't feel like myself these days. I'm depressed, nervous, scared to death, but here I am, having to start from scratch again. I mean don't get me wrong, I am happy I left him, I'm relieved to be freed of that dragging down feeling that he caused. I'm glad i can look back and see just how many mistakes I made, and that I know I will never make them again. I have so much to do to get my life back. To be whole again. To feel like the person that I know I am. To be carefree, and completely happy, to have fun no matter what I am doing (or not doing) and i know that I deserve that again. I made stupid decisions, I made stupid mistakes, I lost so , so much that I had worked so hard to get in life. For what? A man who lied to me, cheated on me, stole from me and everyone else. A man who cared more about gettin high, playin poker, and screwin other women to see that there was a woman that loved him and was hurting. But then I discovered the lies, or rather the truth about everything he told me about himself, his life growing up. Everything but his name, birthday, parents and sisters names were lies. I felt a lot of it from the beginning. So why did I stay? Why did I continue to let him talk me into stupid, irresponsible things? I still don't understand. I thought I loved him, I thought he loved me, I thought we were meant for each other, that I made him happy. But I was wrong. My money made him happy. But once that was gone, he didn't give a damn. That was when the light shone in that HELLO!! You've made a HUGE mistake girl! Time to turn tail and run like the Devil himself is pokin your arse. So, I made the decision to leave. I knew about a month before I fiinally told him that i was going to do it. I know that I had nothing left in my heart to give him. I knew that I deserve better. I knew that even though it was gonna be a struggle, and I'd have a long hard struggle ahead of me that I would get back everything I had lost with him, because of him and for him. I've reclaimed my freedom. I am single, adjusting to being alone. I can live without sex, not like i got it much anyways. I know I doon't need a man to "complete" me. I know that I can achieve anything I want to because I'm strong, determined, hard working, smart and stubborn enough to do it. Yes, I am slightly pissed off about the year and a half I wasted, but I'm not heartbroken about it, you know? I look back and see everything differently now. I can admit to my mistakes. I see where I screwed up and I know that the only reason that stuff all happened was becasue I was stupid enough to let it happen. I have good friends behind me. I have my "PIG", my gaurdian, my strength, my power my wisdom and my spirt to help me. I have my sister, and of course, as I have had for years, my Ruben, my dearest sweet friend that has been by my side through a lot of things in my life, and these 2 people have never given up on me, ever.

So, now my only decision is how am I going to do this? What is my next step? Which way do I turn? Give me strength, give me support, give me advice. But be honest, be blunt, but also, be gentle. My heart is still bruised and bloody. This was a harder beatin on my heart than I had imagined. But i am strong, and I am going to come out ahead , no matter how long it takes me. I will be the funny, sweet , loving, sensual, happy, goofy, loud laughing, excited, smart, ambitious, strong and talented person I know that I can be.

From this moment on, no one can bring me down but me!