As you get older, you learn a lot of stuff. Unfortunately for me, I've learned that I'm a moron at times, but I've gotten stronger and smarter.. I am 30 years old, never been married (which with my track record with guys is a DAMN good thing!) don't have any children, which again considering the useless wad of flesh my ex's are is a good thing. I've learned how easily someone can take an outgoing, independent, charismatic girl, and turn her into a weak, spineless, self esteem lacking, pile of goop. I've learned that someone who's biggest ambition is life is to get high and F**k other women, is really bad in bed, and has no self esteem himself and will amount to nothing. I've learned that I love for the wrong reasons. Correction, I loved for the wrong reasons, but i wont make those mistakes again. I've learned a cheating jackass who doesn't care about anyone but himself, never will change, period. Not that all men that cheat always will, there are a few that have/can change. Someone who can tell you 4 different stories about the same scenario, will never tell you the truth. Someone who would steal from his own mother, then blame her for how his is, is the lowest form of life and will not think twice about stealing things from the woman he supposedly loves. I've learned that in order to be happy with someone else, I first have to be happy with myself. I've learned that even though I a struggling with my self esteem and my ability to believe in myself, that I am still worth a damn. I learned that, yeah I am beautiful, despite my flaws (Re: Fat, haha) I have learned that I have a small amount of friends who truly care about me, and that love me regardless of the stupid things I've done, who will forgive me my mistakes and retarded spells and love me for who i am. For the knowledge that those few are there, I am eternally grateful and I love them dearly and I apologize for being so stupid, and swear on myself that I will do whatever I can to improve my life, even on days like today when I feel so damn down on myself) So, to Di, Ruben, Q, Craig, Derek, Charlie,Samantha, Micah, Ashlee, Regie, BIG DADDY-O Dave, and a few others, thank you for supporting me loving me and always being there for me in your own ways and most importantly for never giving up on me, even when i had given up on myself and disappeared for a while. I love you guys with all my heart, really and truly.
Let's see what else have i learned... that its hard to go from having so much that you worked your ass off for your whole life taken away in spurts over a year and a half, losing money, ruining your almost perfect credit, having your car taken, your happiness destroyed, those are all things that take a long time to get back. I know because i am just starting that journey again. I gave up everything i had for someone who only stabbed me in the back, and everyone else he supposedly cared about. But, I KNOW that I deserve better, one day will find better, and am better than that. I have worth, I have ambition, I have determination, I have a killer support system and I have enough of my mothers stubborn streak in me to make it all work for me in the end. I've been depressed off and on, I've had days where I hadn't a care in the world. Today was one of the bad days. But the more I out out there the better I feel....I'm feeling better already... Now I just need a hug and I'd be right as rain..

Made these for My Sister, Diana, last night too... WHY WON'T THE WORDS STAY RED!??!! Ugh that mad me so angry... but anyway... She likes em that's all that matters to me....

more creativity.....

Last night I got to messing around again.... This is what I came up with. Mighty impressed with my own creativity. My self challenging, motivational posters..... Enjoy

feeling creative and contemplative

OK, so today I'm sitting here at home and this little quotation thing that I believe Diana sent me has been stuck in my mind. It kept circling my brain as I was cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes (I seem to do my best thinking when I'm cleaning, get it from my Ma I think) anyway, I keep thinking in my mind about the mistakes I've made, the things I've regretted putting off, things I wish I HAD done. And I realized, I've made stupid decisions, but I don't regret many of them, well a few I do, but I've had some amazingly positive things come out of some horrible situations, so I can't regret all the things I've done, or the choices I've made. For instance, If I hadn't gone to WA with the useless wonder, I would never have met Samantha and Micah, I would never have seen this gorgeous sunset. That picture was taken in Pt. Defiance WA, on one of my last days there, made me cry. At the time I thought "this is the last bit of beauty I'll have in my life" I was leaving a town I fell in love with, 2 of the greatest most loving and wonderful people I had ever met, to go to MN with a man I knew didn't really love anymore,or respect at all, and that I knew truly never cared for me.

It was a bitter sweet day all in all.

Anywho, as I kept contemplating this quote, this picture kept coming into my head. So today I sat down here and messed around with my picture editor dealie, yes that's the technical term I use for it, and put this together. Just when I was getting frustrated and was about to give up, it came out how I pictured it in my mind.

I know life is short, I have broken the rules, I always love truly, I will kiss someone I care for slowly, I always laugh uncontrollably (and loudly) and I will never regret, or take for granted, the things that have made me smile in life ever again, no matter how small or bitter sweet the memory.

ok i put this picture on here cause i wanted to put a pic of me on my profile but it didnt work, because I am technology impared, but i found my anime me so that works but I'm leaving this pic on here because, well, I love this picture of me dammit. Kinda vampire-ish and man do I need a tan, haha... The anime picture I picked because that kind of reminds me of me right now. Ina somewhat dark place, alone, but yet still finding wonderful and beautiful things all around me... anywho enjoy...

things..

Ok....
So this is the sticky part.... Ruben... He tells me that I never gave him a chance.... And goodness knows I've wanted to give hima chance since I first talked to him.... Then he acts distant and odd... then a few days ago he says out of the blue in a conversation that i "should've come to tx, we could've figured out how to get you to cali later if you wanted".. not only did my jaw drop, but I felt like i had been kicked in the side... Today he gets online and says look what i got and up pops a webcam request... we spent 3 hours online gabbin online and him being goofy on the webcam for me.. SMILING... laughing with me and at me,lol.. being goofy and funny and sweet.... Oh god i love that man... so damn much... he keeps hinting at me moving to tx,lol... i dunno what to do.... why do things have to be so damn complicated?? WHy can't he just tell me what he wants? Grrrr..... he was so cute on the webcam, he was running around the apartment showing me stuff, it was so cute... He turned the cam around to show me something on the screen and i see my messenger window on his screen, you know what he has my name listed as? it says "Lilo" which is creepy because on mine his is Stitch... He drew an angry face on the tip of his finger and would have it just under the camera lens, then pop it up real quick then drop it back down... it was too damn funny... he has such a gorgeous smile... He's not been feelin well and he looked sleepy as hell so i told him, go to bed baby we can talk later, and he said, not yet i'm having fun i just wanna stay up and talk to you a bit longer....goodness.... ok.... I just need to step back from this and breathe and think about what i really wanna do... Right? I love him, but am i really ready to make that big a move for a man again, even if the man is My Ruben? I just wanna grab him, kiss him and look him in the eye and ask him what he wants... and I can't because i'm here... and he's all the way over there.... Ugh....